JUICE HEAD GUIDO!

I keep having the weirdest dreams.

Let me re-phrase, I've been sleeping well, which is probably why I have weird dreams.

For instance, two nights ago I had a two part dream.


Part One

I'm in my house, it's oddly quiet, I see I weird guy with a terrible hair cut, He walks into my brothers room, and they start having sex and apparently my brother has no penis.

Part Two


I'm laying in bed with Lindsey Lohan and all of sudden she starts having sex with dude (she is a slut in dreams too... apparently). This guy has the grossest penis, from what I remember is was like a foot long and out of nowhere he starts spraying semen all over my nice clothes.


Fucking Weird Right???

This is how I figured out it was dream;

#1 my brother has had a undying allegiance to his penis since he knew what it was, and I doubt he'd lose it/ voluntarily give it up, plus, this kid is practicing heterosexual in every since of the word. He would flat out kill himself with out dick and to quote him "He ain't no homo"-- I love him, but he's destined for community college based on that sentence alone.

#2 This is no way in hell I would ever hang out with Lindsey Lohan.

#3 The day anyone spray's ANY bodily fluid on me, it better 2012, because they would not live to the end of the said spray. Period. it's gross.


SO with my fucked dreams and my inability to sleep properly, I've been watching a lot of Jersey Shore (I know, it's terrible, but I just finished my book and I didn't feel like knitting. FIST PUMPSSSSS)

Anywho, Garrett and I where having a YOutube date (that's where you watch youtube for hours on end with your significant other, nothing like a sex tape...there are enough of those in the world....some people just don't learn)

ANYWAY...we where having a you be date and we found a Snooki parody (she is a "character" in this crap show)....funniest thing I have ever seen. look it up, you won't be disappointed. You tube is by far one of the greatest unproductive inventions of the 21st century. Argue with me, I dare you.

AS usual, I am poorer than poor, correction, I have enough to cover what I need and nothing else, I define this as poor, some would define this as a breath of fresh air or a goal in life, I define this as poor. I looked up egg donation online, what a joke. Apparently I'm too fat and I'm not religious enough....Lame.

I looked up my BMI the other day and it defined me as overweight...nearly the death of obesity, how did I let this happen? I dont think I look bad. Granted I did nickname myself "rolli polli chubster" when I was drunk one night, but to look at scientific facts saying "Jessica. damn!" is really something.

I went to the gym that day, not sure If I'll go back.

Although, there is something oddly therapeutic about working out. I have always dreaded sweating and running and running, but not actually going anywhere. But I few months ago, I started going to the gym 4-5 days a week (by this I mean 2-3...4 times a week tops) and I was on the eliptical and I closed my eyes (only because there were handle bars so I wouldn't bite it) and I was in the zone... britney style. I went for 45 minutes and it was so relaxing. That day alone definitely helped me. However, no one ever tells you that when you go to the gym, you have to go for like 8 years before you fucking see any results. By results I mean, "hey, you stomach only have 5 dimples today instead of 6" FUCKING KILL ME NOW. I went 8 weeks in a row before break 4 times a week, doing nothing other than 45 minutes of straight cardio and side bends and I tell you I didn't loose one fucking pound. I think my pants fit better, but I could of just been hallucinating. What the hell!

But I keep going.

That is all for now.

Daily flaws:

Dont work out for an hour then eat buffalo wings, you'll shit yourself retarded.

Trust no one under the age of 35 (if there relative, don't trust them period)

Lady Gaga can in fact cure cancer.

My obsession with Duran Duran right now, is borderline unnatural.

Don't drink Vodka Gimlets, you will drink too many and become drunk without realizing it and before you know it, you and whoever you're drinking with (in my case, my significant other) WILL finish the vodka bottle. I should mention, this is the only scenario where I enough green olives.