I'm just so thirsty....

Oh God Damnit.....it's the holidays

to start off the most beloved season of the year my best/well manicured friend Ross and I felt it was only appropriate to watch our favorite Christmas movie.....The Strangers. Please keep in mind that we have seen this movie at least 9 times and EVERY time a little pee escapes me. Not only do I enjoy being scared shitless time after time but the commentary that ensues after the movie is absolutely priceless. Directly after the movie (which ultimately turns into a slumber party...there is no FUCKING way I'm going home) Ross proceeds to do a reenaction of how I will be behave at work the next day, which usually involves me talking abnormally fast while chain smoking air cigarettes....gotta help the hillbilly population of Mt. Pleasant (this will be a extensive topic later on).

Please keep in mind that I live alone in a renovated prison (no shit). Not only is my shithole apartment probably haunted but it is always MY idea to watch this goddamn movie.
For those of you who have not seen this amazing movie, it is about a couple who stay the night in a summer home? I think? after the dude in the movie proposes and the girl says no, they are completely isolated, they drive a volvo station wagon, they murder Dennis from it's always sunny in philadephia and are eventually murdered IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.....just because they were home. These are the important bullet points I took away from the movie.


Here are a few problems:


I live alone
No one will here my screams
I have several enemies due to years of being a complete asshole to anyone with an obvious flaw and....

No deadbolt

awesome.....

Having said that, I finally figured out where my alcoholism came from...MY MOTHER whaaaaaaa?

just kidding...for legal reasons ;) but I do have a GREAT story about Pam and the infamous box o wine

So, i walk in from a day of shopping and schenanigans and I come upon my mother sitting in my napping chair (strike one). As i am walking in, i notice she is on the phone. Not only is she on the phone, but she is on the phone which my grandfather. Before I can respond, run or retaliate she forces the phone on me (strike two). So naturally as I am being sucked in to the vortex also known as George Querry I promptly grab a glass of boxed wine and strap in for the next 45 minutes. To be fair, I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my grandfather, however, I had eaten 20 pounds of Panda Express that day and it was 5:17 pm...which is known as nap time in the Cates household. So it's 5:17, my mother is in MY napping chair, I'm feeling bloated and I have to engage in conversation....GOD DAMNIT

So in some great miracle, 6 minutes in to the conversation, I found and lunged toward an exit.

Here is the BEST part of the story...pay attention

I hand the phone to my mother and head for the stairs, as my back is turned I hear;

"BLOOP"
"Oh shit, oh shit!...Dad! hold on, hold on just a second"
giggles, giggles...."Jessica, god damnit stop laughing and help me!"

My mother dropped our cordless phone into her tupperware glass of Franzia boxed wine..it was in a sizable glass too.

Not only do I turn around and see this bobbing phone in a CUP of wine..yes CUP, but SHE IS STILL TALKING TO HIM while he is essentially floating in a jacuzzi of chillable red...you can't make this shit up.

For the record, I have never laughed soooo hard in my life. I cannot believe this gem fell into my lap.

If you're wondering, the phone still works, you can still send and receive calls...the screen just doesn't work...you'd think it was from verizon or something.

Anyway, it will forever be called the wine phone...I'm so proud
on a side note, I spilled makeup remover on my mac keyboard and now the arrows don't work..I blame genetics.

Other than that, Im pretty sure the holidays are something most people have to endure rather than celebrate. To go along with tradition, I naturally, needed a mid christmas nap due to the little bottles of pucker (various flavors) my cousins and I were shot gunning alllll night....tis the season

I'd like to point out that this year my Uncle George drank scotch OUT OF A VASE for 6 hours seriously thinking it was a drinking glass....It was a fucking vase.
also know as the the vase a dozen roses came in for my mother on Valentine's day...but I don't want to split hairs.....

Alright to wrap this up TIME FOR DAILY FLAWS!!!!!! WOOOOO

1. I ate an entire deep fried apple pie...the entire thing. If there was a way to incorporate pesto mayo with that, believe me you know I'd be hoffin THAT SHIT DOWN!
2. I wet the bed..Here is the terrible part. I was actually dreaming that I was peeing in a toilet (who dreams that?) and then proceeded to golden shower myself.
3. Im 3 glasses of Cabernet in and my glasses feel funny on my face.


The End.

I'm back bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH HELLO!
I'm back and I deeply apologize for the absence. It's midnight, and right about now I should be watching Grumpy Old Men and lulling off to sleep, but honestly I'm kinda drunk. It's a weird Limbo period of drunkness for me. I'm not drunk enough to drunk text yet, but I .....just...have..so...many.......thoughts. NO ONE IS SAFE. If you are easily offended, "Murder she wrote" is on lifetime.

Gah! so much has happened!

TOPIC ONE!------ME ( CLEARLY the most important)

I'm thin again! which in short, means, I can be THAT much more of an asshole. Let's be real here; nobody likes a fat mean person, so 47 pounds later and blonder hair, I'm ready to tear up some new asshole (figuratively speaking).

Also, all of those people who said beauty was on the inside, for me, its a crock of shit. It may work for some, but I much prefer being a size six over or a chicken finger pita from crankers (although I did walk in there to smell the chili cheese fries and my former life)

Don't get me wrong, this girl LOVES food, and I will NEVER give up the pesto mayo, I just don't eat it after 6 ;) That ladies, is how you keep your big knockers.

TOPIC TWO-- Offended blog readers

Is there a gun to your head?
Do you get a tax right off for reading this blog?
Does this blog cure cancer? (P.s it should)

If you answer NO to any or all of these questions, then pure 'n' simple....fuck off.

I'm sure Nicolas Sparks has a new book out, read that in your spare time.
This blog is written is make people laugh, not inspire or change the world.

(Fox News is for that...hahaha totally kidding)

TOPIC THREE---Hitting on people at the local Olive Garden

Let me just say, I had the best birthday of my life!
Not only do I love fucking with waiters, but I love fucking with waiters who have hot brothers.
Pam and I totally tag teamed on these two guys and it was the funniest 2 hours of my life. Not only did I walk out smelling like men's cologne (win), but I also had fresh NEW COACH in my hand. I felt like a total, well deserved diva.

TOPIC FOUR--Moving into the new apartment

Bruise pictures are coming, but moving into a new place SANS boyfriend, SUCKS.

However, LOVE the new place, I love being downtown, I love being able to walk to class and I love the fact that I get to move on in 7 months.

I need a new town, mama is getting restless.

TOPIC FIVE--Feeling bad for yourself.

Get over it, life sucks, crying happens, mistakes get made and you move on.
Shitty moods are shitty.period.

TOPIC SIX- Sarah Nelson

Co-Worker, harmonizer, movie quoter: new meijer photo lab friend, I love you and you crack my shit up. SHOUT OUT.

TOPIC SEVEN- Making it rain

Turns out, in order to "make it rain", One thousand dollars in crisp one dollar bills is the new requirement......I just found my new goal in life.

TOPIC EIGHT-- Being poor as shit.
Being poor can happen a number of ways, this is my 7 step program to ensure that your bank account never sees over a 30 dollars at a time.

#1 Go to school
#2 Work at meijer
#3 Hate your job
#4 Own a gas guzzling car (now if you can get your boat of car to actually leak gas out of the bottom of the car at an expedited rate, this, ultimately is preferred)
#5 on average, make 30-60 dollars (american dollars)a week BUT...YOU MUST have a 50 dollar cable bill, 280 a month in rent, a 251 dollar class you have yet to pay for, at least 300 dollars in piano accompanying fees and a COMPLETE LACK OF WILL TO LIVE (this last part is crucial)
#6 Lets not forget the cell phone bill
#7 Finally! you're almost there! This step requires you to suck your accountant of mother dry of all extra income she's has on a single mothers salary. You may think this isn't difficult, but here is the kicker...when she's begging you for financial mercy, you must kick her when she is down. This is necessary. When she is on the phone doing mental math (property taxes on the house or Trombone Choir for Jessica), you SLAM her with an oil change for the 15 year old car......that she paid for.

I guarantee you that if you follow these seven steps your bank account will be in single digits consistently and you will cry yourself to sleep at least once a month.

That is all.... for now....

Just wait...I'm single, I started drinking beer and I have a lot of time on my hands, shit is about to get CRAZY.

Why would a black man need a baseball glove??

HELLLLLOOOOOOOO,I'm back and I have so much to share with you

TOPIC NUMBER ONE: The delicious Food I have been eating!

1. Mayonnaise and Potato Chips, DELICIOUSSSSSS
- I'm not really sure how this happened, but now I dunk EVERYTHING in mayo and if there is pesto near by, FUCK I'm having a party

2. The always delicious chicken strips (sans mayo)

3. Steak and scalloped potatoes w/ provolone and mozzarella cheeses (made by yours truly)
- I went from champagne and cigarettes to scalloping potatoes, I think I took a wrong turn somewhere........

4. Long Islands

TOPIC NUMBER TWO

For the remainder of my blog writing, I am starting a new segment and it's called

Jessica's Bruises

this week we have this gem



This occurred on the evening of a good friends birthday who I will not call out(rebecca demars). We thought that it would be a good idea to leave a window open instead of dragging our keys with us, this was a good idea until I try to stumbled through this fucking window WASTED at 1:30 in the morning. The other leg is worse, I looks like I skidded across the window ledge and hard as I possible could.

However, due to my cellulite's privacy, I cannot show you this picture


Then we have these little nuggets




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these bruises came from a co-worker (john maki) repeatedly punching me in the arm at the cabin.

I don't know why I didn't stop him.......oh yeah that is back fat you are looking at in this picture, that area of my body did not force me to sign a confidentially statement. I think Mr. Back Fat and Mr. Cellulite should talk.


TOPIC NUMBER THREE

I haven't done anything but laugh at work in the last two weeks...shout out to Sarah and Becky (who will never ever leave me, we will be friends forever and ever)

Speaking of Becky, now that we are both single we have really started to bond AND to do activities like:

1. create photo albums (it sounds cute, but if you saw it, you'd think we were retarded)
2. take diet pills
3. Watch movies that are slathered in sex scenes ( we see this as paying for sex through cinematic classics) On the back cover we look for these key words (AFFAIR, SEXUAL DESIRES,OLDER MAN & SWEATY)
4. buy 40 dollar shoes and then trample through the mud in them.
5. and MOST IMPORTANTLY.....we double fist at the bar.

the memories we have are unparalleled to any other and never should be talked about.period....



Recent Flaws:

1. I wet the bed a while back, about roughly a week after I pissed on myself (I think I'm regressing)
2. I snorted at work the other day, twice... I think the room was just dry



That is all.

"so you've had that cast on for like two years right?"

SO, its opera week....FML

I play (typically out of tune) for 6 minutes and I get treated like an 8 year old in the process.

I have to scramble/practice for a lesson tomorrow (b/c I am, once again, behind) so this needs to be short.

I will share this with you however......

today, I not only pissed ON the toilet seat but I clearly missed the bowl and literally peed on myself/bathroom floor. Genetically this should be impossible, but apparently I was at too much of an angle combined with a confused pee hole.

My urine had to make it less than an inch from pee hole to bowl.

This could of been avoided.

SO don't pee while you are CLEARLY distracted you'll save yourself a change of clothes, and complete loss of dignity. (oh, I should mention, that I lost even more points, b/c I wasn't even drunk when I pissed on myself AND I didn't even notice right away)

How can I be a functioning adult, if I can't even make into the bowl??
clearly I am a eager young mind of tomorrow....look out.



That is all.

Why aren't there any eggrolls at this recital?

I'd like to start this post with a question


Have you ever farted on stage?

I did the other day and it got me wondering, How many people toot and have it go unnoticed? We need to shed some light on these toots. I routinely fart 2-3 times per concert. Now, lets say this is the average;

2 farts X 60 people

That's a lot of methane and burritos if you know what I am saying. Next time you're at a concert, think about it, it might get you through a boring piece.

Other than trombone, I have recently discovered that I am obsessed with dips, especially dips that are revolved around cheese.

I went on a 20 minute rant about cream cheese and pretzel chips, I had no idea I was so dedicated. In fact I shocked myself on how dedicated I am with food. It's a full blown obsession for real. SO from now on I will record for you all ( all 2 of you ) what my food obsessions are at the moment.


Oranges- weird yes I know. I was at one night and I was just craving oranges and I've been eating them ever sense. No kidding I go through 4 oranges a day, I can't get enough. ITS CRAZY.

Mayonaise mixed with Pesto- again, no idea how this originated but man, tasty as hell, It goes on everything. I spread it (thickly) and then if there is any extra, I actually drunk the sandwich in the mayonaise. Apparently I have a death wish.

Apples and Pear- again, for some reason I've been on a fruit kick seriously can't get enough.

PRETZEL CHIPSSSSSS- god had to of created them, there is no other explanation. period.

This is seriously all I have been eating for weeks, it's crazy.




Band sucks.. what else is new. I sat through 40 minutes of rehearsal today without playing a single note. I feel really good about that 250 dollar investment.





This Weeks Flaws;

1. I seriously considered using the broken elevator to avoid climbing up the stairs.
2. I continue to go to band
3. I tried to cook frozen chicken wings in the microwave and gave myself the worst stomach ache.
4. I went into my lesson expecting something decent. epic fail.



Thanks is all

mu cha cha sucia!!!!!!!!

Well, fucking orange girl has seemed to subsided from her clementine intake, which is good.

This was remedied either by me sitting farther away from her or by me sitting farther away from her. So unfortunately that story will not be developing like I had originally aspired.

On a side note, I went to Culver's yesterday with friends to support "Kappa Kappa Don't practice"

I regret this decision in soooo many ways. Let me list them for you;

1. I destroyed my toilet.....again
2. after I ate my 8000 calorie meal for some reason I was craving a hot fudge sundae, which NEVER happens, I always crave starch and/or potatoes always, never sweets
3. I was literally gassed out by own farts, this is a phenomenon in which I will look into.
4. I ate a cheese curd, which sounds absolutely disgusting yet it is incredibly delicious. This may sound like a great decision, but I don't need anymore "favorite foods"

it was awful.


I'm reading "Her Fearful Symmetry" By Audrey Niffennegger, it's absolutely delicious I just have no time to read it. I went through 5 books over christmas break

SHUTTER ISLAND -DENNIS LEHANE "Great"
MAKE ROOM MAKE ROOM -HARRY HARRISON "Good, Borderline ehhh"
LOVELY BONES -ALICE SEBOLD "FUCKING AWESOME"
ALMOST MOON -ALICE SEBOLD "Awesome"
THE READER -BERHARD SCHLINK "really good, very compelling"
DEAR JOHN -NICOLAS SPARKS "Piece of shit, I'm embarrassed I even
tried to read it. CHEESETASTIC"

Anyway, yeah I started this book like 3 weeks ago and I'm on like page 100. If you do the math, I read 6 books in 4 weeks, so my average is suffering due to Academics and practicing.

Seriously, with the exception of that Nicolas Sparks piece of shit, all of my interlibrary loan book were fantastic, read them, you won't be disappointed.
I wish I had a full year where I could just read, it's the hobby I don't get sick of. I could sit in my living room and read for days. When I was introduced to the Twilight series, I almost missed 11 o'clock studio several times because I was on the 4th floor of the library reading. There is something incredibly intoxicating with other peoples storied and how every story I can put myself in the middle of the action and just leave for a few hours. I'm the one who falls in love with Edward, I'm the 11 year old that gets accepted to Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizardry, I'm the one who is stuck in Desperation over a 24 hour period. I just want like a full year, doesn't matter where, and just pluck one book after another off of my list. It's terrible, I got 4 books for christmas and I keep finding ones I want to read.

That is all for now.


p.s I was at the bar the other night....man I love slutty girls and not in a lesbian way.

FUCKING ORANGES!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, so there is this girl in my PSY 583 class and Ive only had two classes and I'm already pissed off. Typically when you're
in a quiet classroom its not appropriate to scarf 800000000000 fucking oranges. What the fuck? It's not just the
oranges, it was the fact that they were clementines and I literally watched her eat 7 of them in class and of course I had to sit two chairs away from her





So on Tuesday and Thursdays from 1230 to 145 I get gassed out from the scent of Fucking oranges. Fucking bullshit.

I'm sure I'll complain a lot about her. Today she decided to eat a granola bar and it sounded like she was chewing glass. Each bite was a mini explosion.

She also looks like a huge dyke, which does not help her case any.





And she asks stupid question. she may be my new Hilary.




I'll keep you posted.

Sassy Water

SO,in an attempt to lose weight, I have been reading diet books and everyone is suggesting this sassy water (water, cucumbers, lemon, ginger and mint).




it's making me gassy, not thinner...

Anyway,this semester is shaping up well, I have a feeling I will be making fun of a lot of people this time around. I don't get people who don't realize there socially awkward.
I mean really, if enough people avoid you or go to great lengths to avoid sitting next to you in class, you'd think you'd get it.

There is this one girl that is one sex joke away from punched in the face. Seriously I envision slamming her face into a pencil sharpener over and over again.
its really quite funny. think about it.

JUICE HEAD GUIDO!

I keep having the weirdest dreams.

Let me re-phrase, I've been sleeping well, which is probably why I have weird dreams.

For instance, two nights ago I had a two part dream.


Part One

I'm in my house, it's oddly quiet, I see I weird guy with a terrible hair cut, He walks into my brothers room, and they start having sex and apparently my brother has no penis.

Part Two


I'm laying in bed with Lindsey Lohan and all of sudden she starts having sex with dude (she is a slut in dreams too... apparently). This guy has the grossest penis, from what I remember is was like a foot long and out of nowhere he starts spraying semen all over my nice clothes.


Fucking Weird Right???

This is how I figured out it was dream;

#1 my brother has had a undying allegiance to his penis since he knew what it was, and I doubt he'd lose it/ voluntarily give it up, plus, this kid is practicing heterosexual in every since of the word. He would flat out kill himself with out dick and to quote him "He ain't no homo"-- I love him, but he's destined for community college based on that sentence alone.

#2 This is no way in hell I would ever hang out with Lindsey Lohan.

#3 The day anyone spray's ANY bodily fluid on me, it better 2012, because they would not live to the end of the said spray. Period. it's gross.


SO with my fucked dreams and my inability to sleep properly, I've been watching a lot of Jersey Shore (I know, it's terrible, but I just finished my book and I didn't feel like knitting. FIST PUMPSSSSS)

Anywho, Garrett and I where having a YOutube date (that's where you watch youtube for hours on end with your significant other, nothing like a sex tape...there are enough of those in the world....some people just don't learn)

ANYWAY...we where having a you be date and we found a Snooki parody (she is a "character" in this crap show)....funniest thing I have ever seen. look it up, you won't be disappointed. You tube is by far one of the greatest unproductive inventions of the 21st century. Argue with me, I dare you.

AS usual, I am poorer than poor, correction, I have enough to cover what I need and nothing else, I define this as poor, some would define this as a breath of fresh air or a goal in life, I define this as poor. I looked up egg donation online, what a joke. Apparently I'm too fat and I'm not religious enough....Lame.

I looked up my BMI the other day and it defined me as overweight...nearly the death of obesity, how did I let this happen? I dont think I look bad. Granted I did nickname myself "rolli polli chubster" when I was drunk one night, but to look at scientific facts saying "Jessica. damn!" is really something.

I went to the gym that day, not sure If I'll go back.

Although, there is something oddly therapeutic about working out. I have always dreaded sweating and running and running, but not actually going anywhere. But I few months ago, I started going to the gym 4-5 days a week (by this I mean 2-3...4 times a week tops) and I was on the eliptical and I closed my eyes (only because there were handle bars so I wouldn't bite it) and I was in the zone... britney style. I went for 45 minutes and it was so relaxing. That day alone definitely helped me. However, no one ever tells you that when you go to the gym, you have to go for like 8 years before you fucking see any results. By results I mean, "hey, you stomach only have 5 dimples today instead of 6" FUCKING KILL ME NOW. I went 8 weeks in a row before break 4 times a week, doing nothing other than 45 minutes of straight cardio and side bends and I tell you I didn't loose one fucking pound. I think my pants fit better, but I could of just been hallucinating. What the hell!

But I keep going.

That is all for now.

Daily flaws:

Dont work out for an hour then eat buffalo wings, you'll shit yourself retarded.

Trust no one under the age of 35 (if there relative, don't trust them period)

Lady Gaga can in fact cure cancer.

My obsession with Duran Duran right now, is borderline unnatural.

Don't drink Vodka Gimlets, you will drink too many and become drunk without realizing it and before you know it, you and whoever you're drinking with (in my case, my significant other) WILL finish the vodka bottle. I should mention, this is the only scenario where I enough green olives.