I'm back bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH HELLO!
I'm back and I deeply apologize for the absence. It's midnight, and right about now I should be watching Grumpy Old Men and lulling off to sleep, but honestly I'm kinda drunk. It's a weird Limbo period of drunkness for me. I'm not drunk enough to drunk text yet, but I .....just...have..so...many.......thoughts. NO ONE IS SAFE. If you are easily offended, "Murder she wrote" is on lifetime.

Gah! so much has happened!

TOPIC ONE!------ME ( CLEARLY the most important)

I'm thin again! which in short, means, I can be THAT much more of an asshole. Let's be real here; nobody likes a fat mean person, so 47 pounds later and blonder hair, I'm ready to tear up some new asshole (figuratively speaking).

Also, all of those people who said beauty was on the inside, for me, its a crock of shit. It may work for some, but I much prefer being a size six over or a chicken finger pita from crankers (although I did walk in there to smell the chili cheese fries and my former life)

Don't get me wrong, this girl LOVES food, and I will NEVER give up the pesto mayo, I just don't eat it after 6 ;) That ladies, is how you keep your big knockers.

TOPIC TWO-- Offended blog readers

Is there a gun to your head?
Do you get a tax right off for reading this blog?
Does this blog cure cancer? (P.s it should)

If you answer NO to any or all of these questions, then pure 'n' simple....fuck off.

I'm sure Nicolas Sparks has a new book out, read that in your spare time.
This blog is written is make people laugh, not inspire or change the world.

(Fox News is for that...hahaha totally kidding)

TOPIC THREE---Hitting on people at the local Olive Garden

Let me just say, I had the best birthday of my life!
Not only do I love fucking with waiters, but I love fucking with waiters who have hot brothers.
Pam and I totally tag teamed on these two guys and it was the funniest 2 hours of my life. Not only did I walk out smelling like men's cologne (win), but I also had fresh NEW COACH in my hand. I felt like a total, well deserved diva.

TOPIC FOUR--Moving into the new apartment

Bruise pictures are coming, but moving into a new place SANS boyfriend, SUCKS.

However, LOVE the new place, I love being downtown, I love being able to walk to class and I love the fact that I get to move on in 7 months.

I need a new town, mama is getting restless.

TOPIC FIVE--Feeling bad for yourself.

Get over it, life sucks, crying happens, mistakes get made and you move on.
Shitty moods are shitty.period.

TOPIC SIX- Sarah Nelson

Co-Worker, harmonizer, movie quoter: new meijer photo lab friend, I love you and you crack my shit up. SHOUT OUT.

TOPIC SEVEN- Making it rain

Turns out, in order to "make it rain", One thousand dollars in crisp one dollar bills is the new requirement......I just found my new goal in life.

TOPIC EIGHT-- Being poor as shit.
Being poor can happen a number of ways, this is my 7 step program to ensure that your bank account never sees over a 30 dollars at a time.

#1 Go to school
#2 Work at meijer
#3 Hate your job
#4 Own a gas guzzling car (now if you can get your boat of car to actually leak gas out of the bottom of the car at an expedited rate, this, ultimately is preferred)
#5 on average, make 30-60 dollars (american dollars)a week BUT...YOU MUST have a 50 dollar cable bill, 280 a month in rent, a 251 dollar class you have yet to pay for, at least 300 dollars in piano accompanying fees and a COMPLETE LACK OF WILL TO LIVE (this last part is crucial)
#6 Lets not forget the cell phone bill
#7 Finally! you're almost there! This step requires you to suck your accountant of mother dry of all extra income she's has on a single mothers salary. You may think this isn't difficult, but here is the kicker...when she's begging you for financial mercy, you must kick her when she is down. This is necessary. When she is on the phone doing mental math (property taxes on the house or Trombone Choir for Jessica), you SLAM her with an oil change for the 15 year old car......that she paid for.

I guarantee you that if you follow these seven steps your bank account will be in single digits consistently and you will cry yourself to sleep at least once a month.

That is all.... for now....

Just wait...I'm single, I started drinking beer and I have a lot of time on my hands, shit is about to get CRAZY.