I'm just so thirsty....

Oh God Damnit.....it's the holidays

to start off the most beloved season of the year my best/well manicured friend Ross and I felt it was only appropriate to watch our favorite Christmas movie.....The Strangers. Please keep in mind that we have seen this movie at least 9 times and EVERY time a little pee escapes me. Not only do I enjoy being scared shitless time after time but the commentary that ensues after the movie is absolutely priceless. Directly after the movie (which ultimately turns into a slumber party...there is no FUCKING way I'm going home) Ross proceeds to do a reenaction of how I will be behave at work the next day, which usually involves me talking abnormally fast while chain smoking air cigarettes....gotta help the hillbilly population of Mt. Pleasant (this will be a extensive topic later on).

Please keep in mind that I live alone in a renovated prison (no shit). Not only is my shithole apartment probably haunted but it is always MY idea to watch this goddamn movie.
For those of you who have not seen this amazing movie, it is about a couple who stay the night in a summer home? I think? after the dude in the movie proposes and the girl says no, they are completely isolated, they drive a volvo station wagon, they murder Dennis from it's always sunny in philadephia and are eventually murdered IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.....just because they were home. These are the important bullet points I took away from the movie.


Here are a few problems:


I live alone
No one will here my screams
I have several enemies due to years of being a complete asshole to anyone with an obvious flaw and....

No deadbolt

awesome.....

Having said that, I finally figured out where my alcoholism came from...MY MOTHER whaaaaaaa?

just kidding...for legal reasons ;) but I do have a GREAT story about Pam and the infamous box o wine

So, i walk in from a day of shopping and schenanigans and I come upon my mother sitting in my napping chair (strike one). As i am walking in, i notice she is on the phone. Not only is she on the phone, but she is on the phone which my grandfather. Before I can respond, run or retaliate she forces the phone on me (strike two). So naturally as I am being sucked in to the vortex also known as George Querry I promptly grab a glass of boxed wine and strap in for the next 45 minutes. To be fair, I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my grandfather, however, I had eaten 20 pounds of Panda Express that day and it was 5:17 pm...which is known as nap time in the Cates household. So it's 5:17, my mother is in MY napping chair, I'm feeling bloated and I have to engage in conversation....GOD DAMNIT

So in some great miracle, 6 minutes in to the conversation, I found and lunged toward an exit.

Here is the BEST part of the story...pay attention

I hand the phone to my mother and head for the stairs, as my back is turned I hear;

"BLOOP"
"Oh shit, oh shit!...Dad! hold on, hold on just a second"
giggles, giggles...."Jessica, god damnit stop laughing and help me!"

My mother dropped our cordless phone into her tupperware glass of Franzia boxed wine..it was in a sizable glass too.

Not only do I turn around and see this bobbing phone in a CUP of wine..yes CUP, but SHE IS STILL TALKING TO HIM while he is essentially floating in a jacuzzi of chillable red...you can't make this shit up.

For the record, I have never laughed soooo hard in my life. I cannot believe this gem fell into my lap.

If you're wondering, the phone still works, you can still send and receive calls...the screen just doesn't work...you'd think it was from verizon or something.

Anyway, it will forever be called the wine phone...I'm so proud
on a side note, I spilled makeup remover on my mac keyboard and now the arrows don't work..I blame genetics.

Other than that, Im pretty sure the holidays are something most people have to endure rather than celebrate. To go along with tradition, I naturally, needed a mid christmas nap due to the little bottles of pucker (various flavors) my cousins and I were shot gunning alllll night....tis the season

I'd like to point out that this year my Uncle George drank scotch OUT OF A VASE for 6 hours seriously thinking it was a drinking glass....It was a fucking vase.
also know as the the vase a dozen roses came in for my mother on Valentine's day...but I don't want to split hairs.....

Alright to wrap this up TIME FOR DAILY FLAWS!!!!!! WOOOOO

1. I ate an entire deep fried apple pie...the entire thing. If there was a way to incorporate pesto mayo with that, believe me you know I'd be hoffin THAT SHIT DOWN!
2. I wet the bed..Here is the terrible part. I was actually dreaming that I was peeing in a toilet (who dreams that?) and then proceeded to golden shower myself.
3. Im 3 glasses of Cabernet in and my glasses feel funny on my face.


The End.