"so you've had that cast on for like two years right?"

SO, its opera week....FML

I play (typically out of tune) for 6 minutes and I get treated like an 8 year old in the process.

I have to scramble/practice for a lesson tomorrow (b/c I am, once again, behind) so this needs to be short.

I will share this with you however......

today, I not only pissed ON the toilet seat but I clearly missed the bowl and literally peed on myself/bathroom floor. Genetically this should be impossible, but apparently I was at too much of an angle combined with a confused pee hole.

My urine had to make it less than an inch from pee hole to bowl.

This could of been avoided.

SO don't pee while you are CLEARLY distracted you'll save yourself a change of clothes, and complete loss of dignity. (oh, I should mention, that I lost even more points, b/c I wasn't even drunk when I pissed on myself AND I didn't even notice right away)

How can I be a functioning adult, if I can't even make into the bowl??
clearly I am a eager young mind of tomorrow....look out.



That is all.

Why aren't there any eggrolls at this recital?

I'd like to start this post with a question


Have you ever farted on stage?

I did the other day and it got me wondering, How many people toot and have it go unnoticed? We need to shed some light on these toots. I routinely fart 2-3 times per concert. Now, lets say this is the average;

2 farts X 60 people

That's a lot of methane and burritos if you know what I am saying. Next time you're at a concert, think about it, it might get you through a boring piece.

Other than trombone, I have recently discovered that I am obsessed with dips, especially dips that are revolved around cheese.

I went on a 20 minute rant about cream cheese and pretzel chips, I had no idea I was so dedicated. In fact I shocked myself on how dedicated I am with food. It's a full blown obsession for real. SO from now on I will record for you all ( all 2 of you ) what my food obsessions are at the moment.


Oranges- weird yes I know. I was at one night and I was just craving oranges and I've been eating them ever sense. No kidding I go through 4 oranges a day, I can't get enough. ITS CRAZY.

Mayonaise mixed with Pesto- again, no idea how this originated but man, tasty as hell, It goes on everything. I spread it (thickly) and then if there is any extra, I actually drunk the sandwich in the mayonaise. Apparently I have a death wish.

Apples and Pear- again, for some reason I've been on a fruit kick seriously can't get enough.

PRETZEL CHIPSSSSSS- god had to of created them, there is no other explanation. period.

This is seriously all I have been eating for weeks, it's crazy.




Band sucks.. what else is new. I sat through 40 minutes of rehearsal today without playing a single note. I feel really good about that 250 dollar investment.





This Weeks Flaws;

1. I seriously considered using the broken elevator to avoid climbing up the stairs.
2. I continue to go to band
3. I tried to cook frozen chicken wings in the microwave and gave myself the worst stomach ache.
4. I went into my lesson expecting something decent. epic fail.



Thanks is all

mu cha cha sucia!!!!!!!!

Well, fucking orange girl has seemed to subsided from her clementine intake, which is good.

This was remedied either by me sitting farther away from her or by me sitting farther away from her. So unfortunately that story will not be developing like I had originally aspired.

On a side note, I went to Culver's yesterday with friends to support "Kappa Kappa Don't practice"

I regret this decision in soooo many ways. Let me list them for you;

1. I destroyed my toilet.....again
2. after I ate my 8000 calorie meal for some reason I was craving a hot fudge sundae, which NEVER happens, I always crave starch and/or potatoes always, never sweets
3. I was literally gassed out by own farts, this is a phenomenon in which I will look into.
4. I ate a cheese curd, which sounds absolutely disgusting yet it is incredibly delicious. This may sound like a great decision, but I don't need anymore "favorite foods"

it was awful.


I'm reading "Her Fearful Symmetry" By Audrey Niffennegger, it's absolutely delicious I just have no time to read it. I went through 5 books over christmas break

SHUTTER ISLAND -DENNIS LEHANE "Great"
MAKE ROOM MAKE ROOM -HARRY HARRISON "Good, Borderline ehhh"
LOVELY BONES -ALICE SEBOLD "FUCKING AWESOME"
ALMOST MOON -ALICE SEBOLD "Awesome"
THE READER -BERHARD SCHLINK "really good, very compelling"
DEAR JOHN -NICOLAS SPARKS "Piece of shit, I'm embarrassed I even
tried to read it. CHEESETASTIC"

Anyway, yeah I started this book like 3 weeks ago and I'm on like page 100. If you do the math, I read 6 books in 4 weeks, so my average is suffering due to Academics and practicing.

Seriously, with the exception of that Nicolas Sparks piece of shit, all of my interlibrary loan book were fantastic, read them, you won't be disappointed.
I wish I had a full year where I could just read, it's the hobby I don't get sick of. I could sit in my living room and read for days. When I was introduced to the Twilight series, I almost missed 11 o'clock studio several times because I was on the 4th floor of the library reading. There is something incredibly intoxicating with other peoples storied and how every story I can put myself in the middle of the action and just leave for a few hours. I'm the one who falls in love with Edward, I'm the 11 year old that gets accepted to Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizardry, I'm the one who is stuck in Desperation over a 24 hour period. I just want like a full year, doesn't matter where, and just pluck one book after another off of my list. It's terrible, I got 4 books for christmas and I keep finding ones I want to read.

That is all for now.


p.s I was at the bar the other night....man I love slutty girls and not in a lesbian way.

FUCKING ORANGES!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, so there is this girl in my PSY 583 class and Ive only had two classes and I'm already pissed off. Typically when you're
in a quiet classroom its not appropriate to scarf 800000000000 fucking oranges. What the fuck? It's not just the
oranges, it was the fact that they were clementines and I literally watched her eat 7 of them in class and of course I had to sit two chairs away from her





So on Tuesday and Thursdays from 1230 to 145 I get gassed out from the scent of Fucking oranges. Fucking bullshit.

I'm sure I'll complain a lot about her. Today she decided to eat a granola bar and it sounded like she was chewing glass. Each bite was a mini explosion.

She also looks like a huge dyke, which does not help her case any.





And she asks stupid question. she may be my new Hilary.




I'll keep you posted.

Sassy Water

SO,in an attempt to lose weight, I have been reading diet books and everyone is suggesting this sassy water (water, cucumbers, lemon, ginger and mint).




it's making me gassy, not thinner...

Anyway,this semester is shaping up well, I have a feeling I will be making fun of a lot of people this time around. I don't get people who don't realize there socially awkward.
I mean really, if enough people avoid you or go to great lengths to avoid sitting next to you in class, you'd think you'd get it.

There is this one girl that is one sex joke away from punched in the face. Seriously I envision slamming her face into a pencil sharpener over and over again.
its really quite funny. think about it.

JUICE HEAD GUIDO!

I keep having the weirdest dreams.

Let me re-phrase, I've been sleeping well, which is probably why I have weird dreams.

For instance, two nights ago I had a two part dream.


Part One

I'm in my house, it's oddly quiet, I see I weird guy with a terrible hair cut, He walks into my brothers room, and they start having sex and apparently my brother has no penis.

Part Two


I'm laying in bed with Lindsey Lohan and all of sudden she starts having sex with dude (she is a slut in dreams too... apparently). This guy has the grossest penis, from what I remember is was like a foot long and out of nowhere he starts spraying semen all over my nice clothes.


Fucking Weird Right???

This is how I figured out it was dream;

#1 my brother has had a undying allegiance to his penis since he knew what it was, and I doubt he'd lose it/ voluntarily give it up, plus, this kid is practicing heterosexual in every since of the word. He would flat out kill himself with out dick and to quote him "He ain't no homo"-- I love him, but he's destined for community college based on that sentence alone.

#2 This is no way in hell I would ever hang out with Lindsey Lohan.

#3 The day anyone spray's ANY bodily fluid on me, it better 2012, because they would not live to the end of the said spray. Period. it's gross.


SO with my fucked dreams and my inability to sleep properly, I've been watching a lot of Jersey Shore (I know, it's terrible, but I just finished my book and I didn't feel like knitting. FIST PUMPSSSSS)

Anywho, Garrett and I where having a YOutube date (that's where you watch youtube for hours on end with your significant other, nothing like a sex tape...there are enough of those in the world....some people just don't learn)

ANYWAY...we where having a you be date and we found a Snooki parody (she is a "character" in this crap show)....funniest thing I have ever seen. look it up, you won't be disappointed. You tube is by far one of the greatest unproductive inventions of the 21st century. Argue with me, I dare you.

AS usual, I am poorer than poor, correction, I have enough to cover what I need and nothing else, I define this as poor, some would define this as a breath of fresh air or a goal in life, I define this as poor. I looked up egg donation online, what a joke. Apparently I'm too fat and I'm not religious enough....Lame.

I looked up my BMI the other day and it defined me as overweight...nearly the death of obesity, how did I let this happen? I dont think I look bad. Granted I did nickname myself "rolli polli chubster" when I was drunk one night, but to look at scientific facts saying "Jessica. damn!" is really something.

I went to the gym that day, not sure If I'll go back.

Although, there is something oddly therapeutic about working out. I have always dreaded sweating and running and running, but not actually going anywhere. But I few months ago, I started going to the gym 4-5 days a week (by this I mean 2-3...4 times a week tops) and I was on the eliptical and I closed my eyes (only because there were handle bars so I wouldn't bite it) and I was in the zone... britney style. I went for 45 minutes and it was so relaxing. That day alone definitely helped me. However, no one ever tells you that when you go to the gym, you have to go for like 8 years before you fucking see any results. By results I mean, "hey, you stomach only have 5 dimples today instead of 6" FUCKING KILL ME NOW. I went 8 weeks in a row before break 4 times a week, doing nothing other than 45 minutes of straight cardio and side bends and I tell you I didn't loose one fucking pound. I think my pants fit better, but I could of just been hallucinating. What the hell!

But I keep going.

That is all for now.

Daily flaws:

Dont work out for an hour then eat buffalo wings, you'll shit yourself retarded.

Trust no one under the age of 35 (if there relative, don't trust them period)

Lady Gaga can in fact cure cancer.

My obsession with Duran Duran right now, is borderline unnatural.

Don't drink Vodka Gimlets, you will drink too many and become drunk without realizing it and before you know it, you and whoever you're drinking with (in my case, my significant other) WILL finish the vodka bottle. I should mention, this is the only scenario where I enough green olives.

as the world turns

Hello again!

after a few positve/shocked responses I am back to share my experiences with you all.

Since my last post, the semester has ended, my aunt de-friended then re-friended me on facebook. I had a recital and continued to drink wine heavily.

The holidays were great, I got everything I asked for, including a cookbook, which may not seem like a big deal, but for someone who is microwave dependent, this is a major first step. On the 22nd of December, I literally burned/destroyed a microwave dinner. It was seriously uneatable, I smoldered the son of a bitch. Thus, resulting in microwaving another dinner, which with extra salt, turned about to be delicious.

Despite my french cuisine of "LA MICHELINA" I did have to succumb to the holidays and the terrible cooking of a said aunt who I will not mention.

The holidays for me are always a sore subject, because for 12 straight hours, I have to deal with the barbarians. The barbarians, are my mothers side of the family and they are something else.

My mother reads this blog, so I'll be gentle, but I'm really not a fan of this side of the family.

That is all for now.

I will be back.