Hello again!
Sorry I've been away, I was off saving the world.....ish
So much has happened! Moved to Mass (that's what Massachusetts residents call it.......if you didn't know ;)
I'm just going to jump right in.....
The Hartford incident.....Jesus Christ.
Before school even starts, I decided to go to Hartford Connecticut with the "Trio of Destruction" ( You will see why after my first 9 stories)
1. I find it unusual to already that BEFORE SCHOOL EVEN STARTS, I have managed to find the most irresponsible group of people to get drunk with and make terrible decisions
2. The select group of people, I might add, I had only met one other time and BLINDLY went to Connecticut's great capital to go "clubbin" with them ( I should mention, they are two little boys who are either, way taller than I 'therefore, can chase me down an alley' and/or way stronger 'therefore can rape me in said alley'"........but that is either here nor there at this point.
Now..... before we actually get into this story, I would like to list a few errors that could of been avoided and can help future "hot messes" in a drunken 2am, pizza filled bind.
1. Never let the guy with the manual transmission drive, No one under 30 drives them anymore..
2. Don't let the guy driving the manual transmission lock his phone in his glove compartment......
3. Don't let the guy driving the manual transmission, who locked his phone in the glove compartment, drink too much ( I might add that he is 5'4 claims to be 5'10 and is 180 pounds of tequila resistant muscle) and disappear in 2 in the morning.
4. Don't let the other member of the 'Trio of Destruction' who is 6'3 and ALSO 180 pounds of tequila resistant destruction, try to drive said manual a half of a block, then get into a screaming match with a drunk 5'7 tequila CHAMPION.....(that's me :) then leave her in said manual, STRANDED IN DOWNTOWN HARTFORD WITH COPS AND CRIMINALS ALIKE!!!!!! with the headlights on, only to come back to said car a hour later to find that the battery who was apparently drunk too..... DIED.
so let's recap...
it's 4am, the driver of the manual car is missing, the phone to contact him is locked in the glove box, two drunk ass fools are screaming at each other, and there is pizza ALL over the car, apparently in the "trio of destruction" if you are fighting and eating at the same time, the food you are consuming (in this case....pizza) WILL end up all over the 2005 Acura.......manual........ FUCKING
MANUAL!
So at 4am I have had enough, so I come up with the genius idea of taking a cab from Hartford Connecticut to Hadley Massachusetts for a staggering 200 dollars.....Now, had I been using my brain I could of paid 69 dollars for a scuzzz bucket hotel room and we wouldn't have to leave drunk manual car driver.... man in an undisclosed location in the
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Hello!
Its been tooooooo long! I know you been craving "hot mess" stories so let's jump right in.
As I sit here watching "The Shining" on SPIKE T.V on my fourth glass of " Chateau St.Michelle" from the Liquors 44 bargain bin, I reflect on my past year in Massachusetts......and I have a few complaints.
1.Why don't you sell alcohol in your grocery stores????????
you REALLLLLY think you're better than every one else?? is this a pompous/pretentious joke? People need their BOOZE, and if I am coming in at 11 at night to buy tampons and Dove chocolate, I expect to buy my boxed wine all in one store.
2. Car inspections: let get real. For my fellow mid westerners, for those of you who don't have the pleasure of Massachusetts inspections, let me break it down for you.
If you have any type of internal AND OR external light out....you cannot drive your car
if your car leaks oil...you cannot drive your car
if your check engine light is on....you cannot drive your car
if your car comes with air conditioning and no longer works....you cannot drive your car
if you have been drinking....you cannot drive your car
if the wind blows to hard...you cannot drive your car.
oh yeah, AND you have to pay to not drive your car once a year
#3 8 Dollar Bud lights...or as New Englanders call it.. "Pale Ale"
I don't give a flying fuck what you call it...its Bud light....Pure and simple. It should be 5 dollar pitchers....Dollar pint nights ANNNNDDDD free wings with purchase. These are not outlandish demands.
apparently, on the east coast, you have to pay a cover at a "swanky" bar and you pay 40 bucks for a non-existent buzz.....and I HATE HILARY SWANK AND ALL OF HER BARS!
#4 Vermont Drivers
there is a good chance that there may be more Vermont drivers in the state of Massachusetts than actual Massachusetts drivers. and they all suck. The highways are crowded with middle aged chinese women drivers. They all drive Prius's or subaru's and they all do 5 under the speed limit and are completely oblivious to turn signals. Red Lights are optional and they are all on their iPhones.
5. Air Conditioning
if you are a midwesterner like me, then you are used to the 55 degree conditions of your home during the summer months. Central air conditioning is a trend that has yet to reach the east coast. The chemical smelling meat locker of a mid western home is a pride possession that every midwesterner needs to be thankful for.
Here in MASS. (Thats what the cool people call it) These left wing, hairy legged, liberals really take "living green" to a whole new level. This new level is the BULLSHIT device called the "window unit". This piece of shit, cools a half a room in your house, while raising your electric bill by double.
Everyone in the massachusetts has one. As a result, you sweat while you shit...its very unpleasant.
Growing up in michigan I became accustomed to a few things.
1a) Sweat shirts year round. I didn't buy those patriotic cat sweat shirts for nothing.
1b) That chemical/midwestern/air conditioned smell. Its addictive...if you don't believe me.....try going with out it for a summer. Have fun with your frequent nose bleeds.
2) MICHIGAN LEFTS: good god, the rest of the world needs to get with it! Why make 5 rights when you can make ONE left...it science and everyone should do it. Plus, this 65 mph on the freeway... IS BULLSHIT.
6. The price of books at walmart.
Listen folks, I go into Walmart for a select number of things. 1. Booze ( and that is apparently out..commie bastards) 2. RIDICULOUSLY prices books, why go to barnes and noble and pay 17 dollars for a book when you can go to walmart and pay 5. Apparently this mantra doesn't apply on the east coast....and I STILL have to look at the middle aged over weight mothers of 4 in her "tankinis" hovering just a little bit too long in the freezer aisle.....ITS BULLSHIT
That is all.....for now ;)
over and out yo!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Never trust a natural blonde.....
Hello!
Sorry for the hiatus, I just haven't been drunk near my computer lately.
Gosh what to talk about....
I'd like to start a new segment called "Mount Pleasant don'ts" - these are observations I have accrued over my last 5 years in this sewer of a town...now don't think this just applies to Mt. Pleasant, these can smack you in the face ANYWHERE and at ANYTIME.
Please keep in mind that EVERYONE of these is true.
#1 don't. Do NOT bring your child in to the electronics section with a rat tail and then spend 59.99 plus tax on call of duty: black ops. If you can "afford" a 60 dollar video game, you can afford a 12 dollar bo ricks hair cut for your child. They will thank you later when they are not being bullied and have prom dates.
#2 don't. Tom Sellecks on Women. If I can see your thick, luscious Tom Selleck mustache from across the department, it's time to buy a magnifying/LIGHTED mirror to shave/weedwhack/pluck that fur burger on your face. Ladies....there is no excuse, its already bad enough that most women with Tom Sellecks have gravy stains on their USA and or cat Moo-Moo's (commonly referred to as a night gowns) but do you really need ponderosa buffet crumbs stuck in your mustache?? Do you really want to attract the "Milton's" and the "Lonnie's" of the world.....didn't think so
#3 DO NOT come in to the electronics section at 8:48 am and SERIOUSLY asks me to replace the batteries of your SKIPBO hand held gaming device! I understand being entertained while doing your business on the toilet, but if you come to me as my FIRST customer and you can clearly see that I have last nights face on and I probably didnt wake up at my apartment that morning,
maybe you should just poop without it that day.....
#4 This is my personal favorite....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT NAME YOUR NEWBORN CHILD AFTER YOUR FIANCE'S GAMER NAME! World of war craft is unspeakable enough, but naming your child Zane (as in Billy Zane?, Co-star of the Academy Awarding Titanic?) will succumb your child to 18 years of hell.....also known as high school.
Your child will eat alone at the cafeteria
Your child WILL be picked last in any type of athletic activity
You child will probably have cystic acne....and have weird, unmanageable facial hair
Your child will probably turn out to be as weird as you are for naming your child Zane...(again as in Billy Zane?)
You child will probably to almost POSITIVELY marry someone named Brenda or Marjorie....She will like reading harlequin romance novels, clipping coupons, the SyFy network and CROCS
If you can't think of an appropriate name for your child, just go with John or Sarah....play it safe so your child doesn't develop a compulsion to eat their own hair.
#5 Pajama Jeans.....enough said
#6 Bothering me at work, when I am CLEARLY destroying a game of freecell on my phone. If its between the hours of 8-10 and I deliberately don't look up at the counter when I can sense you STARING at me, that means the photo lab is closed until I finish my game or submit my scrabble entry on my iphone....its just common sense. I don't want to help you get a wii remote, I don't want to answer ANY of your stupid questions about pre-paid phones and I have no idea if we have any more copies of True Grit on DVD....if its not on the new release end cap that means we don't have anymore......or there is some in the back and I don't feel like looking for them.
If you repeatedly call "ma'm", "excuse me?" "HELLO?!?" AND I BLATANTLY IGNORE YOU.......walk away
go buy some ammunition or cigarettes... I can't be bothered.
#7 Do not ask me if I know anything about XBOX's or PS3's....Im 5'7, acne free, and relatively thin......I do know ANYTHING about them, I won't even lift them from the cabinet if I haven't eaten yet or if I just don't feel like it.
So these are the basics for now, Im sure I'll find more to educate you with :)
- Your Humble Servant
Jessica
Sorry for the hiatus, I just haven't been drunk near my computer lately.
Gosh what to talk about....
I'd like to start a new segment called "Mount Pleasant don'ts" - these are observations I have accrued over my last 5 years in this sewer of a town...now don't think this just applies to Mt. Pleasant, these can smack you in the face ANYWHERE and at ANYTIME.
Please keep in mind that EVERYONE of these is true.
#1 don't. Do NOT bring your child in to the electronics section with a rat tail and then spend 59.99 plus tax on call of duty: black ops. If you can "afford" a 60 dollar video game, you can afford a 12 dollar bo ricks hair cut for your child. They will thank you later when they are not being bullied and have prom dates.
#2 don't. Tom Sellecks on Women. If I can see your thick, luscious Tom Selleck mustache from across the department, it's time to buy a magnifying/LIGHTED mirror to shave/weedwhack/pluck that fur burger on your face. Ladies....there is no excuse, its already bad enough that most women with Tom Sellecks have gravy stains on their USA and or cat Moo-Moo's (commonly referred to as a night gowns) but do you really need ponderosa buffet crumbs stuck in your mustache?? Do you really want to attract the "Milton's" and the "Lonnie's" of the world.....didn't think so
#3 DO NOT come in to the electronics section at 8:48 am and SERIOUSLY asks me to replace the batteries of your SKIPBO hand held gaming device! I understand being entertained while doing your business on the toilet, but if you come to me as my FIRST customer and you can clearly see that I have last nights face on and I probably didnt wake up at my apartment that morning,
maybe you should just poop without it that day.....
#4 This is my personal favorite....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT NAME YOUR NEWBORN CHILD AFTER YOUR FIANCE'S GAMER NAME! World of war craft is unspeakable enough, but naming your child Zane (as in Billy Zane?, Co-star of the Academy Awarding Titanic?) will succumb your child to 18 years of hell.....also known as high school.
Your child will eat alone at the cafeteria
Your child WILL be picked last in any type of athletic activity
You child will probably have cystic acne....and have weird, unmanageable facial hair
Your child will probably turn out to be as weird as you are for naming your child Zane...(again as in Billy Zane?)
You child will probably to almost POSITIVELY marry someone named Brenda or Marjorie....She will like reading harlequin romance novels, clipping coupons, the SyFy network and CROCS
If you can't think of an appropriate name for your child, just go with John or Sarah....play it safe so your child doesn't develop a compulsion to eat their own hair.
#5 Pajama Jeans.....enough said
#6 Bothering me at work, when I am CLEARLY destroying a game of freecell on my phone. If its between the hours of 8-10 and I deliberately don't look up at the counter when I can sense you STARING at me, that means the photo lab is closed until I finish my game or submit my scrabble entry on my iphone....its just common sense. I don't want to help you get a wii remote, I don't want to answer ANY of your stupid questions about pre-paid phones and I have no idea if we have any more copies of True Grit on DVD....if its not on the new release end cap that means we don't have anymore......or there is some in the back and I don't feel like looking for them.
If you repeatedly call "ma'm", "excuse me?" "HELLO?!?" AND I BLATANTLY IGNORE YOU.......walk away
go buy some ammunition or cigarettes... I can't be bothered.
#7 Do not ask me if I know anything about XBOX's or PS3's....Im 5'7, acne free, and relatively thin......I do know ANYTHING about them, I won't even lift them from the cabinet if I haven't eaten yet or if I just don't feel like it.
So these are the basics for now, Im sure I'll find more to educate you with :)
- Your Humble Servant
Jessica
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I'm just so thirsty....
Oh God Damnit.....it's the holidays
to start off the most beloved season of the year my best/well manicured friend Ross and I felt it was only appropriate to watch our favorite Christmas movie.....The Strangers. Please keep in mind that we have seen this movie at least 9 times and EVERY time a little pee escapes me. Not only do I enjoy being scared shitless time after time but the commentary that ensues after the movie is absolutely priceless. Directly after the movie (which ultimately turns into a slumber party...there is no FUCKING way I'm going home) Ross proceeds to do a reenaction of how I will be behave at work the next day, which usually involves me talking abnormally fast while chain smoking air cigarettes....gotta help the hillbilly population of Mt. Pleasant (this will be a extensive topic later on).
Please keep in mind that I live alone in a renovated prison (no shit). Not only is my shithole apartment probably haunted but it is always MY idea to watch this goddamn movie.
For those of you who have not seen this amazing movie, it is about a couple who stay the night in a summer home? I think? after the dude in the movie proposes and the girl says no, they are completely isolated, they drive a volvo station wagon, they murder Dennis from it's always sunny in philadephia and are eventually murdered IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.....just because they were home. These are the important bullet points I took away from the movie.
Here are a few problems:
I live alone
No one will here my screams
I have several enemies due to years of being a complete asshole to anyone with an obvious flaw and....
No deadbolt
awesome.....
Having said that, I finally figured out where my alcoholism came from...MY MOTHER whaaaaaaa?
just kidding...for legal reasons ;) but I do have a GREAT story about Pam and the infamous box o wine
So, i walk in from a day of shopping and schenanigans and I come upon my mother sitting in my napping chair (strike one). As i am walking in, i notice she is on the phone. Not only is she on the phone, but she is on the phone which my grandfather. Before I can respond, run or retaliate she forces the phone on me (strike two). So naturally as I am being sucked in to the vortex also known as George Querry I promptly grab a glass of boxed wine and strap in for the next 45 minutes. To be fair, I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my grandfather, however, I had eaten 20 pounds of Panda Express that day and it was 5:17 pm...which is known as nap time in the Cates household. So it's 5:17, my mother is in MY napping chair, I'm feeling bloated and I have to engage in conversation....GOD DAMNIT
So in some great miracle, 6 minutes in to the conversation, I found and lunged toward an exit.
Here is the BEST part of the story...pay attention
I hand the phone to my mother and head for the stairs, as my back is turned I hear;
"BLOOP"
"Oh shit, oh shit!...Dad! hold on, hold on just a second"
giggles, giggles...."Jessica, god damnit stop laughing and help me!"
My mother dropped our cordless phone into her tupperware glass of Franzia boxed wine..it was in a sizable glass too.
Not only do I turn around and see this bobbing phone in a CUP of wine..yes CUP, but SHE IS STILL TALKING TO HIM while he is essentially floating in a jacuzzi of chillable red...you can't make this shit up.
For the record, I have never laughed soooo hard in my life. I cannot believe this gem fell into my lap.
If you're wondering, the phone still works, you can still send and receive calls...the screen just doesn't work...you'd think it was from verizon or something.
Anyway, it will forever be called the wine phone...I'm so proud
on a side note, I spilled makeup remover on my mac keyboard and now the arrows don't work..I blame genetics.
Other than that, Im pretty sure the holidays are something most people have to endure rather than celebrate. To go along with tradition, I naturally, needed a mid christmas nap due to the little bottles of pucker (various flavors) my cousins and I were shot gunning alllll night....tis the season
I'd like to point out that this year my Uncle George drank scotch OUT OF A VASE for 6 hours seriously thinking it was a drinking glass....It was a fucking vase.
also know as the the vase a dozen roses came in for my mother on Valentine's day...but I don't want to split hairs.....
Alright to wrap this up TIME FOR DAILY FLAWS!!!!!! WOOOOO
1. I ate an entire deep fried apple pie...the entire thing. If there was a way to incorporate pesto mayo with that, believe me you know I'd be hoffin THAT SHIT DOWN!
2. I wet the bed..Here is the terrible part. I was actually dreaming that I was peeing in a toilet (who dreams that?) and then proceeded to golden shower myself.
3. Im 3 glasses of Cabernet in and my glasses feel funny on my face.
The End.
to start off the most beloved season of the year my best/well manicured friend Ross and I felt it was only appropriate to watch our favorite Christmas movie.....The Strangers. Please keep in mind that we have seen this movie at least 9 times and EVERY time a little pee escapes me. Not only do I enjoy being scared shitless time after time but the commentary that ensues after the movie is absolutely priceless. Directly after the movie (which ultimately turns into a slumber party...there is no FUCKING way I'm going home) Ross proceeds to do a reenaction of how I will be behave at work the next day, which usually involves me talking abnormally fast while chain smoking air cigarettes....gotta help the hillbilly population of Mt. Pleasant (this will be a extensive topic later on).
Please keep in mind that I live alone in a renovated prison (no shit). Not only is my shithole apartment probably haunted but it is always MY idea to watch this goddamn movie.
For those of you who have not seen this amazing movie, it is about a couple who stay the night in a summer home? I think? after the dude in the movie proposes and the girl says no, they are completely isolated, they drive a volvo station wagon, they murder Dennis from it's always sunny in philadephia and are eventually murdered IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.....just because they were home. These are the important bullet points I took away from the movie.
Here are a few problems:
I live alone
No one will here my screams
I have several enemies due to years of being a complete asshole to anyone with an obvious flaw and....
No deadbolt
awesome.....
Having said that, I finally figured out where my alcoholism came from...MY MOTHER whaaaaaaa?
just kidding...for legal reasons ;) but I do have a GREAT story about Pam and the infamous box o wine
So, i walk in from a day of shopping and schenanigans and I come upon my mother sitting in my napping chair (strike one). As i am walking in, i notice she is on the phone. Not only is she on the phone, but she is on the phone which my grandfather. Before I can respond, run or retaliate she forces the phone on me (strike two). So naturally as I am being sucked in to the vortex also known as George Querry I promptly grab a glass of boxed wine and strap in for the next 45 minutes. To be fair, I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my grandfather, however, I had eaten 20 pounds of Panda Express that day and it was 5:17 pm...which is known as nap time in the Cates household. So it's 5:17, my mother is in MY napping chair, I'm feeling bloated and I have to engage in conversation....GOD DAMNIT
So in some great miracle, 6 minutes in to the conversation, I found and lunged toward an exit.
Here is the BEST part of the story...pay attention
I hand the phone to my mother and head for the stairs, as my back is turned I hear;
"BLOOP"
"Oh shit, oh shit!...Dad! hold on, hold on just a second"
giggles, giggles...."Jessica, god damnit stop laughing and help me!"
My mother dropped our cordless phone into her tupperware glass of Franzia boxed wine..it was in a sizable glass too.
Not only do I turn around and see this bobbing phone in a CUP of wine..yes CUP, but SHE IS STILL TALKING TO HIM while he is essentially floating in a jacuzzi of chillable red...you can't make this shit up.
For the record, I have never laughed soooo hard in my life. I cannot believe this gem fell into my lap.
If you're wondering, the phone still works, you can still send and receive calls...the screen just doesn't work...you'd think it was from verizon or something.
Anyway, it will forever be called the wine phone...I'm so proud
on a side note, I spilled makeup remover on my mac keyboard and now the arrows don't work..I blame genetics.
Other than that, Im pretty sure the holidays are something most people have to endure rather than celebrate. To go along with tradition, I naturally, needed a mid christmas nap due to the little bottles of pucker (various flavors) my cousins and I were shot gunning alllll night....tis the season
I'd like to point out that this year my Uncle George drank scotch OUT OF A VASE for 6 hours seriously thinking it was a drinking glass....It was a fucking vase.
also know as the the vase a dozen roses came in for my mother on Valentine's day...but I don't want to split hairs.....
Alright to wrap this up TIME FOR DAILY FLAWS!!!!!! WOOOOO
1. I ate an entire deep fried apple pie...the entire thing. If there was a way to incorporate pesto mayo with that, believe me you know I'd be hoffin THAT SHIT DOWN!
2. I wet the bed..Here is the terrible part. I was actually dreaming that I was peeing in a toilet (who dreams that?) and then proceeded to golden shower myself.
3. Im 3 glasses of Cabernet in and my glasses feel funny on my face.
The End.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I'm back bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH HELLO!
I'm back and I deeply apologize for the absence. It's midnight, and right about now I should be watching Grumpy Old Men and lulling off to sleep, but honestly I'm kinda drunk. It's a weird Limbo period of drunkness for me. I'm not drunk enough to drunk text yet, but I .....just...have..so...many.......thoughts. NO ONE IS SAFE. If you are easily offended, "Murder she wrote" is on lifetime.
Gah! so much has happened!
TOPIC ONE!------ME ( CLEARLY the most important)
I'm thin again! which in short, means, I can be THAT much more of an asshole. Let's be real here; nobody likes a fat mean person, so 47 pounds later and blonder hair, I'm ready to tear up some new asshole (figuratively speaking).
Also, all of those people who said beauty was on the inside, for me, its a crock of shit. It may work for some, but I much prefer being a size six over or a chicken finger pita from crankers (although I did walk in there to smell the chili cheese fries and my former life)
Don't get me wrong, this girl LOVES food, and I will NEVER give up the pesto mayo, I just don't eat it after 6 ;) That ladies, is how you keep your big knockers.
TOPIC TWO-- Offended blog readers
Is there a gun to your head?
Do you get a tax right off for reading this blog?
Does this blog cure cancer? (P.s it should)
If you answer NO to any or all of these questions, then pure 'n' simple....fuck off.
I'm sure Nicolas Sparks has a new book out, read that in your spare time.
This blog is written is make people laugh, not inspire or change the world.
(Fox News is for that...hahaha totally kidding)
TOPIC THREE---Hitting on people at the local Olive Garden
Let me just say, I had the best birthday of my life!
Not only do I love fucking with waiters, but I love fucking with waiters who have hot brothers.
Pam and I totally tag teamed on these two guys and it was the funniest 2 hours of my life. Not only did I walk out smelling like men's cologne (win), but I also had fresh NEW COACH in my hand. I felt like a total, well deserved diva.
TOPIC FOUR--Moving into the new apartment
Bruise pictures are coming, but moving into a new place SANS boyfriend, SUCKS.
However, LOVE the new place, I love being downtown, I love being able to walk to class and I love the fact that I get to move on in 7 months.
I need a new town, mama is getting restless.
TOPIC FIVE--Feeling bad for yourself.
Get over it, life sucks, crying happens, mistakes get made and you move on.
Shitty moods are shitty.period.
TOPIC SIX- Sarah Nelson
Co-Worker, harmonizer, movie quoter: new meijer photo lab friend, I love you and you crack my shit up. SHOUT OUT.
TOPIC SEVEN- Making it rain
Turns out, in order to "make it rain", One thousand dollars in crisp one dollar bills is the new requirement......I just found my new goal in life.
TOPIC EIGHT-- Being poor as shit.
Being poor can happen a number of ways, this is my 7 step program to ensure that your bank account never sees over a 30 dollars at a time.
#1 Go to school
#2 Work at meijer
#3 Hate your job
#4 Own a gas guzzling car (now if you can get your boat of car to actually leak gas out of the bottom of the car at an expedited rate, this, ultimately is preferred)
#5 on average, make 30-60 dollars (american dollars)a week BUT...YOU MUST have a 50 dollar cable bill, 280 a month in rent, a 251 dollar class you have yet to pay for, at least 300 dollars in piano accompanying fees and a COMPLETE LACK OF WILL TO LIVE (this last part is crucial)
#6 Lets not forget the cell phone bill
#7 Finally! you're almost there! This step requires you to suck your accountant of mother dry of all extra income she's has on a single mothers salary. You may think this isn't difficult, but here is the kicker...when she's begging you for financial mercy, you must kick her when she is down. This is necessary. When she is on the phone doing mental math (property taxes on the house or Trombone Choir for Jessica), you SLAM her with an oil change for the 15 year old car......that she paid for.
I guarantee you that if you follow these seven steps your bank account will be in single digits consistently and you will cry yourself to sleep at least once a month.
That is all.... for now....
Just wait...I'm single, I started drinking beer and I have a lot of time on my hands, shit is about to get CRAZY.
I'm back and I deeply apologize for the absence. It's midnight, and right about now I should be watching Grumpy Old Men and lulling off to sleep, but honestly I'm kinda drunk. It's a weird Limbo period of drunkness for me. I'm not drunk enough to drunk text yet, but I .....just...have..so...many.......thoughts. NO ONE IS SAFE. If you are easily offended, "Murder she wrote" is on lifetime.
Gah! so much has happened!
TOPIC ONE!------ME ( CLEARLY the most important)
I'm thin again! which in short, means, I can be THAT much more of an asshole. Let's be real here; nobody likes a fat mean person, so 47 pounds later and blonder hair, I'm ready to tear up some new asshole (figuratively speaking).
Also, all of those people who said beauty was on the inside, for me, its a crock of shit. It may work for some, but I much prefer being a size six over or a chicken finger pita from crankers (although I did walk in there to smell the chili cheese fries and my former life)
Don't get me wrong, this girl LOVES food, and I will NEVER give up the pesto mayo, I just don't eat it after 6 ;) That ladies, is how you keep your big knockers.
TOPIC TWO-- Offended blog readers
Is there a gun to your head?
Do you get a tax right off for reading this blog?
Does this blog cure cancer? (P.s it should)
If you answer NO to any or all of these questions, then pure 'n' simple....fuck off.
I'm sure Nicolas Sparks has a new book out, read that in your spare time.
This blog is written is make people laugh, not inspire or change the world.
(Fox News is for that...hahaha totally kidding)
TOPIC THREE---Hitting on people at the local Olive Garden
Let me just say, I had the best birthday of my life!
Not only do I love fucking with waiters, but I love fucking with waiters who have hot brothers.
Pam and I totally tag teamed on these two guys and it was the funniest 2 hours of my life. Not only did I walk out smelling like men's cologne (win), but I also had fresh NEW COACH in my hand. I felt like a total, well deserved diva.
TOPIC FOUR--Moving into the new apartment
Bruise pictures are coming, but moving into a new place SANS boyfriend, SUCKS.
However, LOVE the new place, I love being downtown, I love being able to walk to class and I love the fact that I get to move on in 7 months.
I need a new town, mama is getting restless.
TOPIC FIVE--Feeling bad for yourself.
Get over it, life sucks, crying happens, mistakes get made and you move on.
Shitty moods are shitty.period.
TOPIC SIX- Sarah Nelson
Co-Worker, harmonizer, movie quoter: new meijer photo lab friend, I love you and you crack my shit up. SHOUT OUT.
TOPIC SEVEN- Making it rain
Turns out, in order to "make it rain", One thousand dollars in crisp one dollar bills is the new requirement......I just found my new goal in life.
TOPIC EIGHT-- Being poor as shit.
Being poor can happen a number of ways, this is my 7 step program to ensure that your bank account never sees over a 30 dollars at a time.
#1 Go to school
#2 Work at meijer
#3 Hate your job
#4 Own a gas guzzling car (now if you can get your boat of car to actually leak gas out of the bottom of the car at an expedited rate, this, ultimately is preferred)
#5 on average, make 30-60 dollars (american dollars)a week BUT...YOU MUST have a 50 dollar cable bill, 280 a month in rent, a 251 dollar class you have yet to pay for, at least 300 dollars in piano accompanying fees and a COMPLETE LACK OF WILL TO LIVE (this last part is crucial)
#6 Lets not forget the cell phone bill
#7 Finally! you're almost there! This step requires you to suck your accountant of mother dry of all extra income she's has on a single mothers salary. You may think this isn't difficult, but here is the kicker...when she's begging you for financial mercy, you must kick her when she is down. This is necessary. When she is on the phone doing mental math (property taxes on the house or Trombone Choir for Jessica), you SLAM her with an oil change for the 15 year old car......that she paid for.
I guarantee you that if you follow these seven steps your bank account will be in single digits consistently and you will cry yourself to sleep at least once a month.
That is all.... for now....
Just wait...I'm single, I started drinking beer and I have a lot of time on my hands, shit is about to get CRAZY.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Why would a black man need a baseball glove??
HELLLLLOOOOOOOO,I'm back and I have so much to share with you
TOPIC NUMBER ONE: The delicious Food I have been eating!
1. Mayonnaise and Potato Chips, DELICIOUSSSSSS
- I'm not really sure how this happened, but now I dunk EVERYTHING in mayo and if there is pesto near by, FUCK I'm having a party
2. The always delicious chicken strips (sans mayo)
3. Steak and scalloped potatoes w/ provolone and mozzarella cheeses (made by yours truly)
- I went from champagne and cigarettes to scalloping potatoes, I think I took a wrong turn somewhere........
4. Long Islands
TOPIC NUMBER TWO
For the remainder of my blog writing, I am starting a new segment and it's called
Jessica's Bruises
this week we have this gem
This occurred on the evening of a good friends birthday who I will not call out(rebecca demars). We thought that it would be a good idea to leave a window open instead of dragging our keys with us, this was a good idea until I try to stumbled through this fucking window WASTED at 1:30 in the morning. The other leg is worse, I looks like I skidded across the window ledge and hard as I possible could.
However, due to my cellulite's privacy, I cannot show you this picture
Then we have these little nuggets
a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiyixSuE7unqNdyRJZyAHRcXHNiHzruBbGTXRQqfGS3hGffoOkBDIeoHGwS_ZJYMiM42UKm6JghyphenhyphendilFvc-tPeTTbseO_qBL0GEL8zPkB8MhuXnYap8PuSvsBY_36Op0o7PMfknsW9N3ln/s1600/DSCF9005.JPG">
these bruises came from a co-worker (john maki) repeatedly punching me in the arm at the cabin.
I don't know why I didn't stop him.......oh yeah that is back fat you are looking at in this picture, that area of my body did not force me to sign a confidentially statement. I think Mr. Back Fat and Mr. Cellulite should talk.
TOPIC NUMBER THREE
I haven't done anything but laugh at work in the last two weeks...shout out to Sarah and Becky (who will never ever leave me, we will be friends forever and ever)
Speaking of Becky, now that we are both single we have really started to bond AND to do activities like:
1. create photo albums (it sounds cute, but if you saw it, you'd think we were retarded)
2. take diet pills
3. Watch movies that are slathered in sex scenes ( we see this as paying for sex through cinematic classics) On the back cover we look for these key words (AFFAIR, SEXUAL DESIRES,OLDER MAN & SWEATY)
4. buy 40 dollar shoes and then trample through the mud in them.
5. and MOST IMPORTANTLY.....we double fist at the bar.
the memories we have are unparalleled to any other and never should be talked about.period....
Recent Flaws:
1. I wet the bed a while back, about roughly a week after I pissed on myself (I think I'm regressing)
2. I snorted at work the other day, twice... I think the room was just dry
That is all.
TOPIC NUMBER ONE: The delicious Food I have been eating!
1. Mayonnaise and Potato Chips, DELICIOUSSSSSS
- I'm not really sure how this happened, but now I dunk EVERYTHING in mayo and if there is pesto near by, FUCK I'm having a party
2. The always delicious chicken strips (sans mayo)
3. Steak and scalloped potatoes w/ provolone and mozzarella cheeses (made by yours truly)
- I went from champagne and cigarettes to scalloping potatoes, I think I took a wrong turn somewhere........
4. Long Islands
TOPIC NUMBER TWO
For the remainder of my blog writing, I am starting a new segment and it's called
Jessica's Bruises
this week we have this gem
This occurred on the evening of a good friends birthday who I will not call out(rebecca demars). We thought that it would be a good idea to leave a window open instead of dragging our keys with us, this was a good idea until I try to stumbled through this fucking window WASTED at 1:30 in the morning. The other leg is worse, I looks like I skidded across the window ledge and hard as I possible could.
However, due to my cellulite's privacy, I cannot show you this picture
Then we have these little nuggets
a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiyixSuE7unqNdyRJZyAHRcXHNiHzruBbGTXRQqfGS3hGffoOkBDIeoHGwS_ZJYMiM42UKm6JghyphenhyphendilFvc-tPeTTbseO_qBL0GEL8zPkB8MhuXnYap8PuSvsBY_36Op0o7PMfknsW9N3ln/s1600/DSCF9005.JPG">
these bruises came from a co-worker (john maki) repeatedly punching me in the arm at the cabin.
I don't know why I didn't stop him.......oh yeah that is back fat you are looking at in this picture, that area of my body did not force me to sign a confidentially statement. I think Mr. Back Fat and Mr. Cellulite should talk.
TOPIC NUMBER THREE
I haven't done anything but laugh at work in the last two weeks...shout out to Sarah and Becky (who will never ever leave me, we will be friends forever and ever)
Speaking of Becky, now that we are both single we have really started to bond AND to do activities like:
1. create photo albums (it sounds cute, but if you saw it, you'd think we were retarded)
2. take diet pills
3. Watch movies that are slathered in sex scenes ( we see this as paying for sex through cinematic classics) On the back cover we look for these key words (AFFAIR, SEXUAL DESIRES,OLDER MAN & SWEATY)
4. buy 40 dollar shoes and then trample through the mud in them.
5. and MOST IMPORTANTLY.....we double fist at the bar.
the memories we have are unparalleled to any other and never should be talked about.period....
Recent Flaws:
1. I wet the bed a while back, about roughly a week after I pissed on myself (I think I'm regressing)
2. I snorted at work the other day, twice... I think the room was just dry
That is all.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
"so you've had that cast on for like two years right?"
SO, its opera week....FML
I play (typically out of tune) for 6 minutes and I get treated like an 8 year old in the process.
I have to scramble/practice for a lesson tomorrow (b/c I am, once again, behind) so this needs to be short.
I will share this with you however......
today, I not only pissed ON the toilet seat but I clearly missed the bowl and literally peed on myself/bathroom floor. Genetically this should be impossible, but apparently I was at too much of an angle combined with a confused pee hole.
My urine had to make it less than an inch from pee hole to bowl.
This could of been avoided.
SO don't pee while you are CLEARLY distracted you'll save yourself a change of clothes, and complete loss of dignity. (oh, I should mention, that I lost even more points, b/c I wasn't even drunk when I pissed on myself AND I didn't even notice right away)
How can I be a functioning adult, if I can't even make into the bowl??
clearly I am a eager young mind of tomorrow....look out.
That is all.
I play (typically out of tune) for 6 minutes and I get treated like an 8 year old in the process.
I have to scramble/practice for a lesson tomorrow (b/c I am, once again, behind) so this needs to be short.
I will share this with you however......
today, I not only pissed ON the toilet seat but I clearly missed the bowl and literally peed on myself/bathroom floor. Genetically this should be impossible, but apparently I was at too much of an angle combined with a confused pee hole.
My urine had to make it less than an inch from pee hole to bowl.
This could of been avoided.
SO don't pee while you are CLEARLY distracted you'll save yourself a change of clothes, and complete loss of dignity. (oh, I should mention, that I lost even more points, b/c I wasn't even drunk when I pissed on myself AND I didn't even notice right away)
How can I be a functioning adult, if I can't even make into the bowl??
clearly I am a eager young mind of tomorrow....look out.
That is all.
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